The pain today

You are not alone.  You know who you are, those who are a part of this club of pain, those who are missing someone today they should have been able to hold. You, yes you are not alone and you are loved.

Please don’t get me wrong, I love my Mother and appreciate the wonderful life she helped give to me.  In the having a Mom department I was lucky.  It was the becoming a Mom part that is a struggle. This year was a little easier coming into the day then the past  few have been.  I have made it through some painful anniversaries this year with a heart more at peace then the last few years have been.

I knew Mothers day was coming and somehow managed to forget that this day always hurts, the wave always hits, and it always hits hart. I can’t hold my babies in my arms. There was a hole created by the love I was supposed to share when I saw those two lines, each time it happened. There was joy that exploded in my heart, and now there is an emptiness that has replaced the joy.  The pain hits every year on this day.  I paste my smile on my face and make sure to tell the Mothers in my life Happy Mother’s Day. It’s not their job to hold my pain today, they spend too much time caring for others all the other days of the year.  This day is not for me. I’m not in that club, and I probably never will be.

I’ve been struggling to be purposeful the last few weeks and I didn’t know why.  My mind was screaming at me, begging for peace and healing. I’ve been purposing to focus on my family, calm, meditation, cleaning, grading and just about anything I could, and still I couldn’t figure out why I was unsettled. When my students mistakenly call me Mom, it usually brings a smile to my face. Last week instead of knowing that they feel safe in the moment, I felt a twinge of pain. I thought maybe I was just tired, worried about the end of the year and missing my students, but this morning when the tears started I remembered why.  It is because as sweet as those words are somewhere deep inside is missing the ones who should have given me the badge of honor from that name.  Early today the tears poured down and I let them flow.   I will be okay, even if my life plan is different now. I know my life can still be filled with beautiful experiences and joy, but I also know there will always be a piece of me that is missing.  That missing piece has created a new me.

To all of you who grieve today, the ones who are strong enough to smile, and the ones who don’t have the strength to get out of bed, you are loved and you are not alone.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s